一路笑到伯班克

曾幾何時，我還只是一個愛講笑話的家伙、別人眼中的小丑。而如今，我大大方方地把它變成了自己的職業——一份很成功的職業……

By Jay Leno

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As a kid, I never did anything unless somebody was watching. Even now that’s true. You can’t be funny all by yourself. I’ve always wondered why I behaved the way I did. Then I read a children’s book called Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel[2].

There is one line in the book that fascinated me because it sums up my life.[3] Mike Mulligan, in his old steam shovel named Mary Anne, is digging a hole where a skyscraper[4] will be built. The book says, when people used to stop and watch them, Mike Mulligan and Mary Anne used to dig a little faster and a little better. The more people stopped, the faster and better they dug.” As if the machine was somehow drawing power from the people that were around it. And that made sense to me, a perfectly logical reason to dig a great hole or act like an idiot in public.

I was in fourth grade when I told my first real joke. My family had just moved to Andover, Mass., and up until then if I was funny it was because I did stupid, obnoxious[5] things. But this was different.

Our class was studying the legend of Robin Hood[6]. Mrs. Alien was telling us how Robin’s merry men were often captured and then boiled in oil. I raised my hand. “They couldn’t boil Tuck!” I said.

Mrs. Alien asked, “Why not?”

“Because he was a friar[7]!”

The class laughed, and Mrs. Alien smiled just a little. Seeing her smile was such a triumph vastly preferable to being sent to the principal’s office, which was the usual response.[8]

Then, for the next couple of days, other teachers would ask me, “What was it you said in Mrs. Alien’s class?” Apparently, she had tried to relay my joke in the teachers’ lounge and screwed it up.[9] And I thought, Gee[10], I like this! I hadn’t felt that kind of power before. All because I said something that was actually funny.

By the time I was in high school, I was a class clown. One teacher who didn’t mind was Mr. Walsh. For whatever reason he was always assigned to oversee detention duty in the library.[11] And since it seemed like I was always in detention, we’d often sit together.

Mr. Walsh was one of those guys who would laugh at anything. Everything was hilarious[12] to this man. So I’d have new stories for him all the time. One day he said to me, “Why don’t you think about going into show business[13]?”

The idea had never even occurred to me. I didn’t know anybody in show business. But Mr. Walsh’s words ignited[14] something in me. I began telling people I wanted to be a comedian[15]. This didn’t go over[16] well in the neighborhood. Comedy wasn’t a job in New England.

I went to college in Boston and really burned the candle at both ends[17]. While I was running around at night doing comedy clubs, I kept a day job at a car dealership[18]. By the time I got out of school, the comedy money had begun to exceed the day-job money. That’s when I decided, Well, let me give it a shot[19].

Comedy became an all-consuming[20] passion. I played one-nighters[21] in every state of the nation. Whenever I called home, I would exaggerate the accomplishments of other people in show business, because I knew my mother would have like to see me in a steadier line of work[22]. I wanted her to understand the possibilities that lay before me.

Once, when Sylvester Stallone[23] had just signed an enormous movie deal, I called home and said, “You know, Ma, Stallone just got $12 million for ten weeks’ work!”

And she actually said to me, “Yeah? But then what happens those other 42 weeks? What is he going to do if nothing else comes in?”

I spent 300 days a year on the road playing one-nighters, but I had a dream. Not too long ago, I was flipping through[24] some of my early diaries. On a page dated April 28,1972, my 22nd birthday, I found a short entry[25] that said: “Hope to host The Tonight Show.” And finally in late 1986 I was asked to be a guest host[26]. Obviously, this was a great thrill[27].

So on the first day I proudly pulled up to the NBC gate in Burbank. The guard looked at me blankly.

“Yes?” I said, “I’m Jay Leno.” “Where are you going?” “The Tonight Show”.

“Uh, just a minute.” He picked up the phone, mumbled something about a “Jim Reynolds” into the receiver, then said, “Sorry, your name’s not on the list.”

I said, “I think you had the wrong name. It’s Leno. Jay Leno.”

The guard said, “What do you do?” “I’m hosting The Tonight Show.”

He looked at me very condescendingly[28] and then let out a long sigh.

“I hate to tell you this, son, but Johnny Carson is the host of The Tonight Show.”

“I know that. And I’m filling in!”

He shook his head and picked up the phone again.

Anyway, I got in. And, so far, it’s been a pretty good ride.

Vocabulary

1. Jay Leno: 杰?雷諾，美國脫口秀主持人。1992至2009年在NBC電視臺主持脫口秀《杰?雷諾今夜秀》（The Tonight Show with Jay Leno），該節目一直保持著高收視率。杰?雷諾現主持名為《杰?雷諾秀》（The Jay Leno Show）的脫口秀。

2. Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel: 一本兒童讀物，譯作《邁克?馬利根和他的蒸汽鏟》。

3. line: 一行字，一句話；sum up: 總結，概括。

4. skyscraper: 摩天大樓。

5. obnoxious: 可憎的，討厭的。

6. Robin Hood: 羅賓漢，英國民間傳說中劫富濟貧的綠林好漢。

7. friar:（天主教）托缽修會修士，羅賓漢的手下Tuck是一名修士，因friar跟frier“油煎鍋”發音相同，故產生幽默效果。

8. triumph: 勝利，成功；principal: 校長。

9. relay: 轉述，傳達；lounge: 休息室；screw up: 弄糟，搞砸。

10. gee: 哎呀（表示驚訝或強調等）。

11. assign: 指派；oversee: 監督；detention:（受罰學生的）課后留校。

12. hilarious: 十分有趣的，滑稽的。

13. show business: 表演行業。

14. ignite: 點燃，引發。

15. comedian: 喜劇表演家，滑稽演員。

16. go over: 得到贊許。

17. burn the candle at both ends: 過分猛烈地消耗精力或財資。

18. car dealership: 汽車銷售處。

19. shot: 機會，嘗試。

20. all-consuming: 消耗一切的，耗時耗力的。

21. one-nighter:（只上演一夜的）一夜戲劇的人。

22. line of work: 行業，職業。

23. Sylvester Stallone: 西爾維斯特?史泰龍，好萊塢著名動作演員。

24. flip through: 彈開，快速翻開。

25. entry: 記錄。

26. guest host: 嘉賓主持人。

27. thrill: 興奮，激動。

28. condescendingly: 居高臨下地。

（來源：英語學習雜志）