The diary of a New York love-seeking doll
By Stephanie Klein (Independent)
Updated: 2004-07-29 09:20

July 20

Chill out

I need to come clean. I have a Poland Spring water-cooler in my bedroom. I adore Manhattan's water; it is tops. But when it comes out cloudy in my glass, I can't drink it. I know they're air bubbles, but all I can think is amebas. So I purchased cooler service. I was cooler... until this morning.

"Please, to excuse, m'am. I need pick up cooler." It is 7am, and my doorman has let up a foreign green man. OK, he's Pakistani and dressed in a green Poland Spring uniform right down to the green socks. Can you imagine socks being part of your uniform?

"Pick up the cooler, not the empties?" I am asleep, standing, in shorts and hardly a tank top, yawning into this man's bearded face. Linus is barking and growling. He thinks the green man is his frog and wants to start with his socks. This is my morning.

"Yes, m'am, the cooler."

"The cooler?"

"Please, the form. You cancel, no?"

"I no cancel." Did I just say that?

"You pay me now." OK, let's be clear, these Poland Spring people bring me way too much water. Each empty bottle is worth $25. Once you use the water and return it, they deduct the $25 deposit from the total amount you owe. So I continue to pay bills for these enormous bottles to line the entrance of my apartment for months. * * And they don't remove the $25 from the record until they receive empty bottles. I can't drink it fast enough, so they never pick up empties. I mean, they might as well charge me for interpretive art, but to remove my cooler due to lack of payment is just so starving-artist treatment.

"Sir, I will call. I will pay. No take cooler. Take full bottles of water, and write it down. Can I have a receipt?" I don't mean to sound like a bitch. The man is only doing his job, but I'm still sleeping, my mouth feels like it just licked a bunny, and I'm trying hard to prevent being sued once Linus really does bite this green man. This is my morning: a verbal argument in Englistani over water rights. And you say I'm not into politics. I'm going back to bed now. Or, maybe I'll shower; using the two brand new five-gallon bottles the man insisted he drop off. Oy.

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