The difficult art of letting go

 

Pervasive sense of inadequacy

Moderation trumps prejudice

When the crowd bays for blood

When I first went to the United States, I was flabbergasted to find that parents would charge their college-age children for the phone calls they make while at home on holiday. I guess that situation no longer exists as now each one is equipped with a mobile phone and youngsters do not need to "borrow" their parents' handset. But no matter whose phone you use, you are supposed to pay your own bills, as is demonstrated in the HBO TV series Girls, in which Lena Durham's character, a recent college graduate, is kicked off the cellphone family plan by her parents.

Chinese parents' overindulgence of their children goes beyond the "little emperor" phenomenon, but it is exacerbated by it. Parents harbor a desire to pass on what they have to their children, be it wealth or social status. It's somewhat like an aristocrat passing a title to the younger generation. And some will resort to corruption to ensure that their children enjoy the ill-gotten fruits of their parents' positioning or work. This may be illegal but in many minds it is not unethical, at least not as unethical as squandering money on trophy wives or concubines.

There is no one right form of parents-children dynamics. What's over-protection in one culture may be the norm in another. And these things evolve with time as well. While US parents are obliged to raise their children to the age of 18 and see them through college, their Chinese equivalents take it upon themselves to take care of further needs, which include buying an apartment, finding a spouse and taking care of the grandchildren.

That's why the 75-year-old Henan woman took on the ad-hoc job of a street performer, a notion possibly alien to her for most of her life. She did this so she could afford a daughter-in-law. She must have thought it was her responsibility to ensure her son was financially capable of getting married.

What if there is no financial issue involved and her son simply does not want to walk down the aisle with anyone? Any Chinese beyond the age of 25 who is not married or does not have a regular date may face the experience of constant nagging from their parents.

In the old days, you were not supposed to have a date while in college because that would interfere with your study. But once out of college you were supposed to find the right person and start a family, possibly within a year or two.

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