Mutual love instead of filial piety

The new guide also fails to consider the changes in demographics that have taken place in China. An increasing number of adult children are the single child of a family and they are under great financial pressure, which in turn causes emotional stress. It is unrealistic to expect single children to be always making sacrifices for two parents and sometimes four grandparents. The older generations also need to show support and respect for their children in whatever way they can, or at least refrain from judging them.

Filial piety needs to be replaced with mutual respect, understanding and love. Parents and children have duties toward each other. It's a two-way street. There are still parents nowadays who perceive children as subordinates or merely investments for future returns. Some parents use filial piety and emotional blackmail to force their children to obey them, making their children's lives a misery. Yet most adult children nowadays are in the habit of thinking of themselves as the equal of their parents in terms of human dignity. Given such changes in values, any guide to reinforce parental superiority is naturally not going to be popular.

If we are serious about inheriting the virtues of the past, remember that the ancients valued reciprocity in parent-child relationships, and while children were expected to perform filial duties to their parents, the parents were expected to show compassion toward their children. In this sense, we ought to develop guidelines for good parenting to go with the guidelines for filial piety. More importantly, if people learn to respect and love one another, why would anyone need guidelines anyway?

The author is a US-based instructional designer, literary translator and columnist writing on cross-cultural issues.

(China Daily 11/13/2012 page9)