The wisdom of keeping time on paper

As a member of a generation that knew no computers or personal devices, I think I have adjusted fairly well to the electronic marvels that people take for granted today. But there is one convenience that I cannot embrace. I still depend upon a paper calendar to plan my days.

My wife has urged me to get with the modern program. She has adopted technology so enthusiastically that her iPhone beeps messages at all hours, so marriage with her is like being the spouse of R2-D2 from Star Wars. (That reminds me: I must make a notation on my calendar to bury her phone in a bucket of sand so I can get some sleep.)

I simply like paper. I like paper books (no Kindle for me), paper calendars (no Google reminders), newspapers (no wrapping fish in a computer) and toilet paper (definitely no bidets).

My view is that paper is where trees go to be immortal when great words are written down to last. So I was heartened by a recent story in the Business Day section of The New York Times titled Mark It Down: Paper Calendars Endure in Digital Age.

Now, if you take inspiration from a good quotation, as I do, you can certainly find websites specializing in quotations. But reading quotations on the internet is like eating Chinese food with a knife and fork - it's just not as tasty.

Besides, you have to make a special effort to get your daily quotation fix on the internet. An educational desk pad gives you a fresh quotation with every new day. I miss that and I can't find a fitting replacement.

All is not lost, because I still have a traditional, large paper calendar. My 2017 calendar has no quotations but it does feature big spaces for notes, such as doctor and dentist appointments and iPhone burials. It came from a hardware store and has watercolor pictures of trains, mostly steam.

The Times story about paper calendars revived an old dream: To have a quotation of mine printed on a desk pad calendar. There's not much to look forward to in the column-writing game - crickets chirping to break the silence when there's not volleys of abuse - but it would be great to be on a calendar. I would join the trees in immortality.

Calendar citation is almost a higher honor than having a reader stick the column on a fridge door. If my mother were still alive, she'd look at the calendar with my name and pithy saying and glow with pride. "Look," she'd say to the neighbors, "A date that will live in incredibility."

If anybody is out there in the desktop calendar publishing world looking for a few bon mots, while public demand still exists, I would recommend myself, in the absence of anybody else stepping forward. Here's a sample - old and new - of what I can offer:

Progress often isn't.

Bias is something other people have when they don't agree with you.

When men are men, women usually know better.

The road to hell may be paved with good intentions but the highway to hell is always paved with bad intentions.

Give a man a fish, he has a meal for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he may curse his luck forever.

You can't wrap a fish in a computer.

Wait! I am repeating myself, but I have lots more sayings, honestly. OK, I'll settle for mention in a fortune cookie. So paper purveyors, feel free to call me. If you call my wife by mistake, no worries, I'll answer the bucket of sand.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

紙上日歷的妙趣

我屬于沒有電腦或個人電子設備陪伴成長的那一代人，但我自認為還算適應這些當今人們已經習以為常的“電子奇跡”。不過其中有一個便利我并不能欣然接受。我現在仍然用紙質日歷來規劃我的日常生活。

我妻子鼓勵我跟上現代生活的節奏。她成了現代科技的狂熱擁躉，她的蘋果手機時時刻刻都在嗶嗶作響。和她結婚就像是和《星球大戰》里的R2-D2機器人一起生活。（這倒提醒了我：我得在我的臺歷上記下一條備注，到時把她的手機埋進一桶沙里，這樣我才能安靜地睡會兒覺。）

我就是喜歡紙。我喜歡紙質書（不要Kindle電子書），紙質日歷（不要谷歌日歷），報紙（電腦里的新聞可不能用來包魚）和廁紙（絕對不用智能馬桶）。

我認為，紙張是樹木得以不朽之所在，因為紙張可以記錄流芳百世的語言文字。因此，最近《紐約時報》商業版中的一則新聞讓我頗受鼓舞，這則新聞的標題是“記錄下來：紙質臺歷不會在數字時代消失”。

《紐約時報》的這則新聞說，紙質臺歷不僅幸存了下來，而且有些種類的臺歷銷量還有所增加。遺憾的是，不景氣的紙質產品中有我最喜歡的一種：桌面便箋式臺歷。我喜歡那種印有每日名言的老式便箋式臺歷。

如果你像我一樣，喜歡從名言中獲得啟發，你當然可以去搜專門登名言語錄的網站。但在網上閱讀名言雋句好比用刀叉吃中餐——味道就是不對勁。

而且，你還必須特意上網搜索，才能滿足你每天對名言雋句的需求。一個有教育作用的桌面便箋就能給你的每一天都帶來一條新鮮的名言語錄。我懷念那種感覺，也找不到合適的替代品。

并非一切都已失去，因為我現在還有一本傳統的大號紙質臺歷。我的2017年臺歷沒有每日名言，但它留有很大的空間可以做記錄，比如記下去看病和看牙醫的預約，以及埋蘋果手機的事。這本臺歷是從一家五金店買的，上面印著火車的水彩畫，大部分是蒸汽火車。

《紐約時報》的這篇關于紙質臺歷的報道喚起了我的一個往日舊夢：在一個桌面臺歷上印上我自己的話語。撰寫專欄其實并沒有太大意思——沒有唾沫橫飛的評論時，打破沉默的只有蟋蟀的叫聲——但印在臺歷上的感覺就不同凡響。我會和化作紙張的樹木一樣獲得永生。

比起專欄文章被讀者貼在冰箱門上，自己的話被印上臺歷也許更值得榮耀。如果我媽媽還在世，看到臺歷上印著署有我名字的雋語時，她的臉上會閃現自豪的光芒。“瞧”，她會對鄰居說，“這將是一個難以忘懷的日子”。

當大眾需求仍然存在，如果臺歷出版行業還在尋求一些雋句妙語的話，我會在無人出馬的情況下毛遂自薦。下面是我可以提供的一些妙語例句，有新有舊：

進步常常是退步。

偏見就是別人不同意你時所持有的看法。

當男人是男人的時候，女人通常會更明白事理。

(本段的翻譯有獎征集中)

等等打住！剛才最后這句我已在前面引用過了，但真的，我還有很多妙語警句。好吧，即使能用在幸運餅干里我也可以接受。各位紙媒出版商，歡迎你們隨時來電咨詢。如果你們誤打到我妻子那里，不用擔心，我會從沙桶里挖出電話來接聽回復。

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上期獲獎者：陜西西安　第四軍醫大學　姜陳超