Old hearts, new friends

Many elderly people participate in matchmaking events to find friendship rather than romance. Zhang Chi / For China Daily

Matchmaking activities for single seniors create lifelong companionship - of the platonic variety. Sun Ye reports.

Heng Dong has discovered that the luster of love at first sight grays with a person's hair.

He found while organizing matchmaking events for elderly people in Beijing's Zhongguancun community service center that retired widows and widowers are reluctant to give their hearts away - no matter how lonely or bored they might be.

But while these activities haven't lead to amore, they have still created companionship - albeit of the plutonic kind.

The service center staged a matchmaking event on Qixi, or China's Valentine's Day, which falls on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month. It was attended by about 100 elderly singles.

They recited poems, sang choral tunes, chatted and danced - although most dancers were pairs of senior women.

Ma Jing, a widow of 17 years, says she only talked to other women at the events and "isn't really looking for a new man".

She believes it's unlikely she could meet anyone who'd match her late husband's character and wit. Ma says she is OK living single and is ready to move into a nursing home when the time comes so that she doesn't burden her daughter.

But, until then, she says she'll continue to enjoy singing with the choir.

Heng says he isn't surprised the seniors haven't immediately paired up.

He hasn't seen any of the community's 2,850 single retirees get married since he started working there in 2010.

"So, the senior matchmaking gatherings are actually about getting them out of the house to socialize with their peers," he says.

"That has proven successful."

Consequently, it has become a growing trend.

The self-run Lanque Home for the Single Elderly recently spent a day that began with its members participating in the Qixi matchmaking event at Zhongguancun community service center. They continued with lunch and sightseeing at nearby Haidian Park, and finished with games that ran until dusk.

Hai Lun and Lian Qun started the group in 2010 for educated senior citizens to find spouses.

Their idea was to let people meet in a big group and socialize, until they naturally found love.

Zhang Hanying joined the group soon after her husband passed away and she'd retired in 2010. Her son was working overtime, so she lived like a recluse.

"It was the lowest point in my life," the 52-year-old says.

"I spent all day mourning and moping. I felt desperate for companionship, so I joined Lanque."

Zhang is still single and lives alone.

But she was all smiles when posing for a group photo in the Working People's Cultural Palace on a recent outing.

"I'm very happy now because I have a new extended family," she says.

"These people are like my brothers and sisters, and they understand my feelings and loneliness. I can open up to them and really feel a sense of belonging."

Wu Zhiqun's story is similar. The widower also joined Lanque to find another wife but never did.

However, he stuck with the group because he loves to picnic, joke and play ping-pong.

About 50 members meet every week for karaoke, cross-talk, badminton and kite-making sessions. Members organize and fund all activities themselves.

Organizer Lian Qun says these "siblings" are so attached to one another that they spend the public holidays together, rather than with their families. They're also looking for an affordable site to make their permanent clubhouse.

"It all comes down to the word 'home'," Lian says.

Given that most single elderly people's quest for love usually ends in friendship, Beijing's Chaoyang Community Service Center has shifted from helping members find new spouses to enabling them to make new friends.

It has also expanded its workshops to include photography, calligraphy, accordion and painting.

"We're providing them with a platform to make friends, rather than find a spouse," director Wang Yanchang says.

"It's very popular. And you never know - some relationships might blossom into romance."

Li Ziwei, secretary-general of the non-profit Beijing Association of Marriage and Family Development, agrees with this approach.

Courtship in later life is often inhibited by such practical concerns as children's inheritances and their reactions to stepparents who are total strangers. But people can still find solace in plutonic bonding.

"If I become single someday, I probably won't look for a husband, since I can still fill my life with interesting and meaningful things without a spouse," Li says.

Beijing Normal University geriatric psychology professor Wang Dahua says single retirees are especially prone to embrace "active aging".

This is a global trend that encourages the elderly to get involved in their communities by such means as taking lessons, joining public activities and simply chatting more.

"Happiness can come from relationships, but, more importantly, it's related to self-worth," Wang says.

"The elderly must step outside of their small worlds to care about others and participate in their communities. In return, they are cared for and engaged, which invariably brings them joy."

Contact the writer at sunye@chinadaily.com.cn.