Planning the life of my best friend's child

At my age, taking part in my friends' weddings is no longer a leisurely entertainment, but an important part-time vocation. Yet among these many weddings, how come I haven't been invited to be the bridesmaid? Recently, however, my close pal offered me an even tougher role: godmother.

The tiny being we are talking about is just three months old, probably just as big as a tadpole. My first concern was that since I'm not married, if the child calls me "Godmother" all the time, I might end up an old spinster.

But then I began to think about the many possibilities: Before he learns to talk, I can squeeze his cheeks (I think it will be a boy), tickle his feet and do whatever I want to. Even if he complains and mumbles "Godmother" to his parents, they'll just think that he likes me a lot.

However, I can't simply squeeze the boy's cheeks all day, I'll have to buy him gifts. By the time the boy is old enough to remember things, shouldn't I buy various toys to bribe him?

If he starts to write his name and his handwriting is really terrible, shouldn't I pick up the pen and coach him? But I have to admit that my handwriting is indeed poor. I should start practicing calligraphy now.

How naughty will he become? When will he find his first love? If he comes back from his first day in kindergarten and announces that a little girlfriend is to visit his home the next day, should I praise him and say: "your mom and dad didn't start dating until middle school"?

If he turns out to be a clever little sculptor with plasticine, would I be able to persuade his parents out of forcing him to learn the piano?

When he becomes a teenager, will he try and sneak away from home? If he does, he might come to my house. I should start looking for bedding and quilts now.

When he is ready for university, should I encourage him to pursue majors that will make him money, or should I point out departments where it's easier to meet girls?

By the time he starts hanging out with a group of handsome guys, will he introduce me as his cousin?

One day, when he finally brings home a girl that he plans to spend the rest of his life with, will I be "picking bones out of the egg"? If he ignores me, will I get angry and ask him where all the Transformers are that I've sent him?

But if it isn't a boy, it doesn't really matter. I don't care if a girl plays with plasticine.

After hearing my grand plans for the coming 20 years, my friend said solemnly: She would never give him, or her, any pocket money. So the child won't be able to run to my home.

Well, dear, if your child really wants an excursion, the Godmother will come to fetch him, by all means.

(China Daily 01/17/2008 page20)