How marriage made a monkey out of me

Certainly, the wedding ceremony of my recent marriage was among the most awkward moments of my life - mostly because I didn't know it was happening until after we'd been pronounced "man and wife". And this surprise ceremony took place in front of my girlfriend, who, regrettably, wasn't the woman I married.

This matrimonial mishap didn't happen in Vegas, but rather, occurred while my girlfriend and I were spending the recent National Day golden week gallivanting around South China's Hainan Province seeking adventure. We had come to Binglangyuan to learn about the Li and Miao ethnic minorities who'd created the park to showcase their cultural traditions to tourists.

Immediately upon entering the park, staffers whisked us to the small hut where, for reasons then unknown to me, I was hurriedly togged with a red vest and crimson cap. I was then seated beside a young Li girl who issued a series of complicated instructions to me in rapid-fire Chinese.

After a few rounds of singing and smooching beetle nuts, she commanded me to stand. Suddenly, she grabbed my hands and placed them firmly on the back of her thighs. Shocked, I immediately turned to my giggling girlfriend, my eyes wide with surprise and my face flushed to match the hue of my vest.

My bride-to-be pantomimed the act of lifting, and I instantly understood: I was supposed to hoist her up to ring a bell suspended from the rafters.

I don't know if the onlooking crowd of sniggering Chinese was more amused by my moments of confusion or comprehension. But I certainly was beginning to feel more and more like a foreign circus monkey - a sentiment cinched by the fact that the outfit I wore coincidentally resembled the stereotypical garb of an organ grinder's performing pet.

Next, I was supplied a bamboo pole with baskets dangling from both ends and was led to one end of a balancing beam, while my soon-to-be spouse took her station at the other end. She started striding towards me, and I understood instructions issued from our emcee to do the same. But what I was supposed to do when we met at the center - about that, I was clueless. Perhaps, I thought, this was a game of chicken in which I was supposed to whap her off the beam with the pole I was shouldering, American Gladiator style.

When we met, she swayed my hips to indicate I should try to pass her while we both kept balance on the beam. Instead, I maladroitly collided with her, sending us both tumbling off the beam in a less-than-graceful dismount.

Finally, the emcee escorted us to a separate room for our "honeymoon", which, thankfully, only involved munching a piece of honey-flavored candy and forking over 49 yuan. I sighed with relief that the bunglesome ordeal that had made a monkey out of me was finally over.

The emcee then informed me I could also give my new bride a 10-yuan tip, if I so chose. I complied, hoping the woman across the table from me understood it to be my first and last alimony payment.

(China Daily 10/24/2007 page20)