Love on the dance floor

Dating camp aims to solve relationship problems through body language

It looks like any other dance lesson with music blaring and skirts flaring. There's a lot of body bumping and toe treading too, but this isn't a problem, because the people here aren't learning to dance really, they're learning how to love. Dance is just a means to that end.

As more young Chinese men and women find it hard to connect in an increasingly fragmented society, dance has become a new approach to help them open up and - more than that - find the one.

"Dating and marriage is all about the handling of men-women relationships, which is exactly what dance deals with. This is a rehearsal for them to get their hands on," says Wu Di, author of I Know How You Were Left Over and co-founder of Dating Camp, China's first and so far only relationship service taught through dance.

According to Wang Feng, director of the Brookings-Tsinghua Center for Public Policy in Beijing, in an interview with Foreign Policy, only 5 percent of urban Chinese women aged 25 to 29 were unmarried in 1982. This percentage doubled by 2005 and almost tripled by 2008.

With dating and party culture yet to become prevalent in China, many are trapped in a narrow social circle and lead isolated lifestyles.

"They'd rather stay at home and surf the Internet once they get off work. They barely communicate with others. Once they graduate from university, they no longer know how to make new friends. They might like someone, but have no idea how to express themselves," Wu says.

Dating Camp attendees are mostly white-collar workers, around 30 years old, who are well bred and well paid. Despite success at school and work, they nonetheless find it difficult to form an intimate relationship. In Wu's words, "They can fix anything but men".

Men are rarely seen at Dating Camp, but they face the same problems, she adds.

"The problem with boys is worse. They don't even address the problem. The biggest problem with them is lack of confidence, and they usually have no idea about how to get along with the girls," she says.

Born in the 1980s, most of them are the only child in their family. They grew up striving for good grades and living up to their parents' high expectations.

"Many of them have never received the approval of their parents growing up and have lost the confidence to make new friends," Wu says.

Dominant parents can sometimes go to extremes. One Dating Camp attendee who was single at 31 was forced by her mother to go on more than 50 blind dates in a year. Far from finding her a partner, the experience made her resentful and frustrated.

"This is very typical of Chinese parents," says Wu.

"Her mother once said to her: 'I'll get you a wedding this Spring Festival. Bring a man, whoever he is. As long as we can have a wedding'.

"Many of them have never had any relationship and tend to hold unrealistic ideals about love. They wait for a certain kind of feeling. But feelings don't come easy. You have to be able to express and receive the love signals."

According to Wu, this breakdown in relationships isn't without reason. "This is a result of the transformation of our society," she says.

"The social networks of the old times have collapsed. The old thinking of dating and marrying doesn't fit any more. Now we all live on our individual islets and there is no one around to arrange things for you. Love is not food rations. You can't just sit around and wait for it."

Unlike online dating, dancing allows people to practice their interpersonal skills and interact with each other in a more intimate and dynamic setting.

In Dating Camp, participants first take two hours of psychological counseling, during which they learn about who whey are, what they want in a relationship and how they can communicate better. After that they take a three-month salsa course and learn how to get close to a partner through body language.

"In dance, they learn to think with their body, not their brain. The odor, the look, just feel it," says Bob Liu, Wu's business partner and salsa coach at Dating Camp.

Every week, the members go to salsa parties to practice what they've learned in class. There are also parties where everyone brings a suitor they don't find compatible with themselves to enlarge their social circle.

"You really have to teach them everything, from how to groom, where to stand, to how to approach people. Once you can handle all these, you are almost there," Wu says.

Before becoming a relationship therapist, Wu worked as the editorial manager at ELLE China. While running a relationships column for the magazine, she also worked part-time as a physiological therapist.

The satisfaction of helping people as a therapist prompted Wu to start her own business. She was held back by the risks of entrepreneurship until the thought of combining therapy with dance hit her.

"More young unmarried women began coming to me three years ago, complaining about how hard it was to find an eligible man," she says.

"I was astonished to learn that the only way for them to meet someone was through blind dates, something we abandoned in the 1980s. We simply went to the weekly proms."

In 2011, she joined up with Bob Liu, a long-time friend and salsa veteran, and set up Dating Camp, aiming to help people improve their "love quotient" through dance.

Riding the waves of weibo, a popular Twitter-like micro-blogging service in China, Wu's Dating Camp soon became a word-of-mouth sensation. It has received hundreds of students and seen several trainees marry within two years of leaving the program.

With Dating Camp going strong, Wu now plans to expand the business with the addition of Marrying Camp, Divorcing Camp and Remarrying Camp next year, to cater to the growing number of divorcees in China.

"Many young people are banned from having relationships even at university," she says.

"But once they graduate, they're pushed to get married before they reach 25, otherwise they are regarded as leftovers. This is just hysterical. We call it 'anxiety marriage,' and they usually end up in divorce."

sunyuanqing@chinadaily.com.cn