Customers have a casual meal at a local restaurant in Hong Kong. Edmond Tang / China Daily

More dreaded than the wooden formality of posh dinners are those hapless guests who fail to follow its painfully detailed rules. This lighthearted guide by Thomas Lim for the inexperienced should help.

At a seminar lately I ran into two young local executives I have known for a few years who are moving up the career ladder within their companies. With time to kill after the main event, we chatted about career moves, and they expressed some apprehension as to what to do in certain social circumstances in the future. One of the things that concerned them most was going out to dinner with senior management and having to take any number of European or American visitors from head office out for a very formal meal.

"It is sure to be an upscale restaurant serving Western food, we're not sure of the procedure (the etiquette) and we don't want to appear stupid or ignorant. Are there rules to follow to be polite when eating?" they asked.

Indeed there are and it's something I had to learn myself before I went to study and work in UK and subsequently France, Italy and USA. Of course, there are huge cultural variations, with table etiquette guidelines differing dramatically among regions.

Here is the advice I gave to them, which I learned from good friends - and by observing and listening to others on my travels. I started off by telling them; it's inevitable that you will make mistakes, so it's advisable to be prepared for as many of them as you can.

When it comes to choosing from the menu, it is perhaps universally thoughtful to allow your host to make a suggestion or ask if he can recommend a dish - irrespective of the formality of the meal, unless the host happens to be you and you're in a restaurant you know well - then you may make a suggestion or ask for the guests' preferences or dietary restrictions.

This much may seem to be commonsense, but quite often in formal Chinese dinners, the foreign guest has no say before the parade of frequently unrecognizable - or all too recognizable - fish and mammal parts begins.

In the case of strong religious, moral or health limitations, it is better to find out any dietary restrictions before choosing the restaurant.

At a formal dinner, be sensitive to any rank differences in the seating, just as you might in China or Japan. You may want to wait before taking the CEO's seat. Sit down at the table when your host, other dignitaries and any ladies are seated and place your napkin, often folded into a large triangle, in your lap immediately after being seated. If you have to leave the table during the meal, place your napkin on your chair. Wait until the main host picks up his before-dinner drink and makes a toast or drinks from his glass before drinking from your own.

One of the most revealing signs of a boorish guest in the West is for someone to lean forward with both elbows on the table - talking over the food. This is fine for casual lunch and lovers' candlelit, mutually entranced dinners, but is taboo among the starched-collar set.

Although countenanced in some Asian cultures, it's considered extremely rude to talk or laugh with your mouth full. Nobody finds an open mouth full of half chewed food a pretty sight, except, perhaps, the family dog.

Again, although it can be considered a sign of appreciation in some parts of Asia, when you are in Britain, France or USA try not to make loud slurping noises when eating and drinking or burp loudly. At a formal dinner, never pick food out of your teeth with your fingernails - or even with a toothpick. If you must clean your teeth - do it in the restroom.

Rarely do you see someone in Asian business circles pouring a drink for himself without offering it to his guests first. Even though this is less of a rigid ritual in the West, it functions as sign of respect to offer to pour a drink for your neighbors before serving yourself, even if they have declined earlier. One guideline applies to informal and formal meals alike: if there is extra food on the table, ask others if they would like it before taking it yourself. In some regions in Europe if someone asks you to pass the salt, you pass both the salt and pepper - which is not a bad idea anywhere or in any setting, if you add, "Pepper, too?"

Apart from the obvious risk of becoming a shishkabob instead of eating one, never transfer food to your mouth with your knife or a skewer, lest you come across as a total rube.

Stay alert for how forks and knives are used, and sensitive to any cultural variations.

Once a fork, knife or spoon has been used at a formal meal, it should not be put back on the table again but placed on the plate. If you must leave the table, taking a break from eating or talking for a while, extremely stuffy types may expect you to place your fork at eight o'clock with prongs pointing downwards and your knife at four o'clock, with the blade facing inwards. This differs when you have finished the dish - having eaten all of it if you possibly can. Then both knife and fork should be placed together in the middle of the plate (at six o'clock) with tines pointing upwards and the blade facing inwards. Sounds like Spitfire warfare, doesn't it? - "Bogie at 10 o'clock!"

To start with soup, you may be expected to hold your spoon in your right hand and tip the bowl away from you slightly, scooping the soup in movements away from yourself - especially if you find yourself in a timewarp, projected back to Victorian England. Apart from being polite this also saves ruining a good tie if you miscalculate and it drips. Entirely contrary to commonsense and practice, some bluebloods will insist that soup spoon should never be put inside your mouth; instead soup should be sipped from the side of the spoon, not from the end tip.

When eating bread rolls among society's "upper crust", break off a piece before buttering with the small bread knife that's placed on your bread plate to your left. Use the knife only to butter the bread, not to cut it. Although it's considered acceptable to use your fingers when eating fruit, bread, sandwiches or burgers or for dipping, on the whole, for a sit-down meal it's polite to stick with the cutlery.

It is acceptable to eat chips (French fries) with your fingers at an informal dinner only.

Most Asians, will have been to a Western style restaurant at some point, especially in major cities such as Hong Kong, and may already have observed there are a number of knives or forks set out on at a formal dinner. How do you know which to use? Just start from the outside set and work your way in as each course is served. Well-trained restaurant staff will remove and re-arrange cutlery items to suit your meal as it progresses.

And speaking of well-trained staff at formal meals, to avoid embarrassing situations, avoid back-handing or crashing into the waiter by being aware he will (should!) serve from the left, and take away from the right. Unless the food is placed on your plate at the table, then it should arrive from the left. Drinks should be served from the right. If you are at a dinner where more than one wine is to be served you will have several glasses above your knife, so become familiar with wine glass shapes ahead of time. The first smaller glass will be for white wine and champagne is served in a narrow, tall flute glass, usually as an aperitif.

Don't put food on or take it from someone else's plate. And avoid leaning over your neighbour's plate, if you don't want her to think you have something else on your mind besides food.

When it comes to wine, let your host choose, unless he specifically requests that you do. And, if you are not familiar with wine, ask the wine waiter/sommelier for his advice. Otherwise, try to recall what Sean Connery rattled off in any one of his James Bond movies.

(HK Edition 06/22/2010 page6)