Single-parent families looking for love
(China Daily)
Updated: 2004-04-12 08:38

A classified advertisement from a six-year-old boy looking for a father in Central China's Hunan Province has moved many people to tears, and aroused widespread concern over the country's rising number of single-parent families.

"I want a dad to join my family, to help my mom look after her store and to take me to parks on weekends," wrote Xiao Xin in a letter to a local newspaper.

The youngster attached a photo to the letter, which was drafted by Wang Liping, his mother's youngest sister.

Wang said the boy had never even met his biological father, an addicted gambler who left behind heavy debts before divorcing Xiao Xin's mother. The sisters are running a small garment store together to repay the debts and support the family.

"My sister is kind, tolerant and hardworking, and she's only 32," said Wang, who said it was not for financial reasons that she wanted her sister to remarry. "I love my sister and nephew. They deserve a happier life."

In a telephone interview, Xiao Xin added specifically he wanted a father who does not gamble, has a job and will treat his mother and himself well.

Xiao Xin's family is by no means the only one to openly solicit a parent in recent years, as figures released by the Ministry of Civil Affairs indicate that nearly 1.2 million couples in the country divorced in 2002, an average of 3,225 every day.

Zhou Yonggui, 47, also placed an ad, hoping to find a father for her 18-year-old son who had become too timid and dependent on his single mother.

In an extreme case, a single mother in the Southwest China's Yunan Province merely wanted to find a loving man who would act as a father by giving her three-year-old daughter a weekly phone call.

The mother herself is not sure she'll be able to justify such a dishonest ploy when her daughter grows up and learns the truth.

But "to know she has a father somewhere in the world who can talk to her over the phone and will come home 'someday' is enough to console her for the moment," said the woman, who declined to give her name.

Most single parents hesitate about telling their children the truth about the family misfortunes.

"I really don't know what to say whenever my son asks where or who his father is," said one.Adds another: "I hate to hear other people say my daughter is fatherless, and I'm in constant fear that other children might tease her for that."

Behind all the bitterness, many single parents say they worry about their children's healthy development more than anything else - and experts say that worry is justified.

Figures released by the All-China Women's Federation show 78 per cent of China's juvenile delinquents are from single-parent families and 66 per cent of such youngsters live with step-parents.

Sixteen-year-old Xiao Jin has been in a reform school in North China's Shanxi Province for two years, but his mother and stepfather rarely visit him. The boy killed a classmate when he was still a first-grader at junior high school, for which he received moderate punishment because of his young age, said Zhang Mei, a school official.

Before he killed his classmate, Xiao Jin said he had cut his own fingers and written a letter with his own blood to declare his formal split with his family.

"I'm trapped in a mire with no love," Xiao Jin told Xinhua. "My parents divorced when I was seven and my father died shortly after that. My mother remarried in the following year and my life was always overshadowed with beatings and curses at home and at school."

Compared with his past life, Xiao Jin said he was happier at the correctional institute. "I'm not afraid at all even to be sent to jail or sentenced to death," he said, "At least it's a good reason to leave my family."

But Xiao Jin's teachers at the reform school all said he is a sensible and easy-going boy. "His parents could have seen the other side of him, too, if they had shown him love and care and guided him properly," said Huo Youcheng, head of the reform school.

Huo said nearly a half of the young offenders at the reform school are from single-parent families.

According to an official with a juvenile court in Beijing, 57 per cent of all young offenders have lost one or both parents.

In 2002, Liu Haiyang, a student at the Beijing-based prestigious Tsinghua University, burnt several bears in Beijing Zoo with vitriol fluid just "for fun."

Liu grew up in a broken family, with only his mother and maternal grandmother.

Of the 35 members of a juvenile gang seized by police last year in the Northeast China's Heilongjiang Province, 30 are from broken families.

Meanwhile, many primary and middle school teachers complain that children from single-parent families are often introverted, lack confidence, are overly sensitive and prone to complaining.

They say improper ways of parenting, such as the use of physical punishment or overindulgence, are to blame for some children's dysfunctional personality.

But experts say a broken family does not necessarily lead to misfortunes and crimes.

"Single parents can create a loving and caring home environment for their children as well, and these children can grow up to be even more successful," said Zhou Lu, a sociologist with the Tianjin Municipal Academy of Social Sciences.

Zhou said it is unfair and discriminatory to associate single- parent families with "problem children."

He cited the example of Liu Yiting, a girl whose parents divorced when she was still a toddler.

Liu was raised by her mother and stepfather, who joined the family when she was seven-years-old. Her family education has been so successful that she received acceptance notices from four US universities and was admitted to Harvard University after she graduated from a local high school in Shanxi Province.

"Harvard Girl Liu Yiting," a book written by her parents on how an effective family education can benefit a child, is regarded as a bible by those who want their children to have the same future.

"Children from broken families should learn to be strong and independent," said Zhou. "Their divorced parents, on the other hand, should forget their former enmity and work together in bringing up the child."

He said both parents should spend time with the child, and reassure him or her of their love.

Zhou also called on the whole society to lend a helping hand to single-parent families to create a loving social environment for the healthy development of children.

The women's federation in the southern metropolis Guangzhou, for example, is helping 3,709 single mothers in the city look for new husbands. The federation has also involved male volunteers in educating children from broken families.

Beijing and Tianjin have both set up single parents' clubs to offer psychological counselling and parenting courses to single parents, including the divorced and widowed.

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