Excerpts from My Will, an autobiography

My Will

By William Chan (Chan Wai-Lam)

"I'm even more handsome than what you see in the photographs, as the camera can't record all of my moles - that's the only fly in the ointment about photography. Ask me out if you wish to see me."

About my melanoma

I was born with tiny spots all over my skin. The black dots on my face were then too small to be caught on camera, though big enough to be noticed when seen in person. However, I had a big birthmark. More than half of my skin does not have sweat glands, giving me a higher body temperature.

As an infant, I was placed in an incubator in the hospital, since I was covered with wounds from my ceaseless scratching. The doctors had to tie me up, but I still kept hurting myself by scraping my back against the bed.

Mom always wept when she saw me suffer. She took me to see doctors in various renowned hospitals. Every doctor said that I was very ill, but they never told me the severity of my disease. The only thing I knew was that I was afflicted with something called cancer.

Mom wailed every time we went to see a doctor. I really had no idea why she cried each time. Even now, she seems uncomfortable when she talks about it.

She felt helpless, especially when I suffered pain or other people's rudeness. The doctor's examinations were unending and sections of my skin were removed for laboratory examination.

In 1982, according to one doctor, there were only three people, including me, suffering from the type of melanoma I have. One of them was a girl about my age. She died of infection after skin surgery. The other one is a boy several years older than me and also has a big birthmark on his skin.

Skin cancer is very common in Hong Kong, but melanoma is rarely seen. Melanoma, which has a high mortality rate, is the most serious type of skin cancer. Though only a few people are afflicted with melanoma, even in foreign countries, I was born with it. Most hospitals didn't have ultrasonic machines in 1982, so my condition was not discovered when mom was pregnant.

My skin cancer is so severe that I have marks not only on my skin but also on my organs, including my throat, gingiva and tongue. That's why all of the doctors said that I would die before I reached 3 years old. Later on, they raised my life expectancy to seven years; then to 11.

About my funeral

The reason I arranged a funeral for myself is to make sure it goes according to my expectations. After death, people must rely on others to carry out their funeral for them.

However, some details cannot be carried out perfectly even if it is written down. And family members may not be willing to inscribe: "I am an idiot" on your tombstone, even if the words are meaningful to you.

No one else will ever know what you want and why you want it a certain way. I believe everyone should have the chance to arrange their own funerals just as they would their own wills.

In addition to the benefit of being able to see and rehearse your own funeral, you also get an opportunity to face death. Fame and financial gain no longer seem significant in the face of death.

The last stage in life is the funeral, and the performance, however greatly loved by the audience, will never have an encore. You are dead, and you have no chance to live your life once more.

Through my early funeral, I hope to remind myself of my relationship with these people, share my feelings with them, and give each of them a big hug before I die.