It takes courage to reveal your cultural biases but you run the risk of deeply offending others. This is why I chose to avoid a touchy subject last week when a friend of mine, Brogart (Bro for short), rang to tell me that he'd bought tickets to a dance performance. I like to watch the ballet occasionally but I only really go if I'm trying to impress a girl. This is why Brogart's offer had me a touch flummoxed. "So you up for it dude?" he said on the phone.

"Yeah, maybe Bro. What's this dance thing for anyway?"

I had my fingers crossed it'd be breakdancing. "It's the Grand Kabuki, how cool huh?"

Now before I continue I want to give you a little background on my relationship with Japan. I know that Sino-Japanese relations have a long and checkered history but my gripe with the place goes back even further. Twice - let me say that again - twice I tried to conquer that island. All I wanted was a little gold to boost my coffers but just to show my respect to those guys I sent 900 ships to do the job.

That was in 1274 and it didn't go to plan. A few years later I decided to give it another crack, this time sending 1,000-odd ships. So confident was I that I'd knock them over, I decided to have a pre-annexation party the night before we were due to head out.

And man, talk about benders. My partying put me on par with Keith Richards, or at least an East German athlete from the 1980s. The day of the invasion I felt like a one-man Chernobyl and not even the headiest head-fixing brew from my cabal of sorcerers could numb the pain. Anyway, we went ahead with the battle and not only did the plan turn out to be about as well thought through as Al Pacino's bank heist in Dog Day Afternoon, the Japanese got clever and had built a big stinking wall to keep me out.

So anyway, flash forward 700-ish years and here I am on the phone with Brogart and he's telling me that it would be a real blast to take in some Japanese culture. "Listen Bro, that's a real sweet thing you did buying me the ticket and all but I'm going to have to pass - I've got a fever and a purple rash.

"Damn man, I paid a lot of money to see this show. Tell you what, I know someone that I can offload them to. I'll sell them and then I'll come over to keep you company."

"Well, that sounds "

"See you 'round 7 tonight, dawg!"

Not a bad outcome really. No Japanese dance or whatever it is and I would still get to hang out with my homie. By the time he came over I could say that I felt better and we could drink scotch and watch the shark documentary on Animal Planet. Sweet.

At a little past 7 there was a knock at the door. "Sup baby," Brogart said. "I brought some things over that might make you feel better. He presented me with a brown bag full of sushi and a DVD of The Last Samurai.

"Oh man! You know I love the T. Cruise Bro! I haven't even seen this one yet but I hear it's dope," I said giggling like I was clutching a mint copy of Mary Mark and the Funky Bunch's debut album.

"Did you get wasabi?"

"And gyoza dawg - you know I got your back, even if it is covered in a pustular rash."

We settled in for the evening warm in the glow of a bearded and totally heroic Tom Cruise. The sushi wasn't bad but I must say it's so much more fun when you get to pluck it off the back of a little train at a restaurant.

Contact the author at kublaimeister@gmail.com

(China Daily 08/30/2007 page15)