Finding my self-worth in being a full-time mom

He Zuying, 35, from Dongguan, Guangdong province

I feel pressured being a full-time mother because I have a career-oriented personality. In my previous job, I was quite capable, reaching a management position in sales with an annual salary of around 400,000 yuan ($56,100). Leaving my job and staying at home to take care of my child made me feel my sense of value had diminished. Every day, I feel like I'm constantly busy but not receiving much positive feedback. My days revolve around my child's needs.

Instead of relying on my husband financially, having my own money used to give me confidence and a sense of security. I want to be recognized not just by my family for taking care of our child, but also by society. For instance, when I attended an event recently, I felt somewhat low self-esteem about my identity as a stay-at-home mom.

I left my position as a sales manager in a Taiwan-funded building materials company in 2019 due to health problems. Since then, I haven't returned to traditional work. My daughter was born in 2020, and I was a full-time mother until last August, when I ventured into blogging to help ease our family's financial burden, primarily due to our hefty mortgage payments at nearly 40,000 yuan a month.

Before my child started kindergarten, my time was entirely devoted to child care, leaving me with little personal time. My in-laws, who live in Jiangxi province, find it hard to adjust to life in Dongguan, Guangdong province, because their social circle isn't here. Although they were physically here, it felt like their hearts weren't. They had been here for a while, but they found it boring. It seems like having them here is restricting their freedom, which makes me feel quite stressed.

I lost my mother at 5 and my father, who remarried, wasn't there for me. I manage child care on my own. I sometimes feel envious watching other working mothers in my community receive help from their parents. But I understand my in-laws' desire for a peaceful retirement.

Balancing child care with personal ambitions has been tough. I attempted to reenter the workforce by studying for the civil service exam while caring for my toddler when she was 1. But the stress was overwhelming.

The pressure of preparing for the exam was immense, especially as I was approaching the age of 35 and feeling the onset of a midlife crisis. My child was quite restless, and the stress built up inside me until I couldn't handle it anymore. I ended up taking out my frustration on her, yelling to make her quiet down, but it didn't work. I've since tried to keep my emotions stable.

When she takes a long time to fall asleep, tossing and turning, I get frustrated because it cuts into my personal time. I feel like I'm constantly sacrificing my time for her. I just want her to sleep quickly so I can have time for myself, but she often doesn't cooperate. In the end, I didn't pass the exam.

My husband works at a bank, and since the financial sector isn't as robust as it once was, his salary has taken a hit. We faced some marital strain, especially after buying two properties at the peak of the real estate market. His investment decision-making and hesitation to fully embrace fatherhood at times added to the tension. However, we've reconciled, understanding that conflict only drains our energy. Our relationship is now very strong. He frequently takes care of our child, like taking her out to play on weekends and reading bedtime stories.

I can't really imagine returning to the workforce. The only thing I can think of is that competing with younger people might be more challenging, as they tend to have stronger creativity.

Returning to my previous job isn't feasible due to the business's decline from more than 30 branches on the Chinese mainland to one. And finding a job that allows me to balance work and family is difficult. Hiring a nanny isn't an option for me due to personal discomfort with having a stranger at home.

Blogging has provided an emotional outlet and a path to self-discovery. It has helped stabilize my emotions and boost my confidence. I started exploring blogging in August last year, diving into platforms like the lifestyle sharing app Xiaohongshu and WeChat, writing articles and managing sales communities.

My goal is to achieve financial independence through my ventures, as relying solely on my husband's income affects my sense of personal value. I'm determined to find my footing and contribute meaningfully to both my family and society.

He Zuying spoke with Li Hongyang.